Halftime Adjustment Finding the Seams of Your Zone Since 2011

A Cornered Animal: A Play in One Act

Posted on February 9, 2011

Photo Credit: Mark Zerof-US PRESSWIRE. I'm pretty sure that using this photo to write a play is considered editorial use.

(H/T for the image: The fabulous Ms. Tyler Thompson.)

(The game is over. Tennessee Coach Bruce Pearl sees Kentucky Coach John Calipari finish his post-game on-court interview. Coach Pearl moves swiftly through the crowded court and grabs Coach Calipari by the arm. Both men keep a pleasant, jovial appearance despite their conversation.)

FAKE-SMILING PEARL: Good win, Coach. What do ya want me to tell the NCAA?

FAKE-SMILING CALIPARI: Excuse me?

FAKE-SMILING PEARL: Them seersuckers up in Indy are gonna trot me up there and try to suspend me. They're already getting the word out.

FAKE-SMILING CALIPARI: Well, maybe you shouldn't have lied.

FAKE-SMILING PEARL: I shouldn't have gotten caught, John! But he that can't endure the bad, will not live to see the good. Besides, I've got a plan: when I finally go up there, I'm gonna offer them some insider information on dirty programs, coaches and kids.

FAKE-SMILING CALIPARI: What? You're joking.

FAKE-SMILING PEARL: Hell no I'm not! They've got a hard-on for busting coaches right now. I talked to Calhoun a few days ago and he's still cussin' up a storm about it. So I figure that if I throw the NCAA a few bones, they'll go easier on me.

FAKE-SMILING CALIPARI: Bruce, you're crazy. You're--

FAKE-SMILING PEARL: No no no! See, here's the thing: Everything I'm gonna tell them is not going to be true! Or just partly true. So I'll red herring those assholes and get them off our trail.

FAKE-SMILING CALIPARI: Our trail? Look, I don't want any part of this, Bruce.

FAKE-SMILING PEARL: It'll be easy! Just make something up that sounds right. Hell, I've already written a whole soliloquy that involves the Pump Brothers setting up off-shore bank accounts to recruit middle-schoolers into a summer training camp that's funded by New Balance shoes. I'm gonna tell those double-A's that the thinner Pump called me to see if I was interested in "coaching" in their "camp".

(Bruce makes quotation marks with his fingers when he says "coaching" and "camp".)

FAKE-SMILING CALIPARI: My God, Bruce, that's a horrible idea.

FAKE-SMILING PEARL: It'll work! Those -- what do you call dumbasses in your Italian-ese, yinzers? -- those Indy yinzers will buy it hook, like and sinker. It'll be great. Give me a few names: coaches that pissed you off or some of those greedy AAU shits-- oh! What about your 2012 class? I bet most of those kids are asking for some handouts.

FAKE-SMILING CALIPARI: Bruce, you're... wait, is that a microphone inside your blazer?!

FAKE-SMILING PEARL: No! Yes! Wait what did you ask me?

(Calipari pulls Bruce close for an seemingly friendly hug. Calipari wrestles his arm away from Bruce's forearm embrace and walks away. Bruce yells to Calipari as he walks away:)

FAKE-SMILING PEARL: Just give me a few names when you come to Knoxville, okay! (Bruce tilts his head down to his jacket lapel.) How was that?

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Posted by Fake Gimel

TANSTAAFL!

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