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Why Your NCAA Team Lost: Round of 32

Posted on March 21, 2011

Sixteen games, sixteen losers. You could read detailed post-game reviews at other news sites, but they won't use Star Trek quotes and dumb videos. These quick, fake reasons are why each team lost their NCAA Tournament second Third Round game.

  • Cincinatti -- Of all the Big East teams it could have met in the third round, it had to be the team with Kemba Walker.
  • Syracuse -- Of all the Big East teams it could have met in the third round, it had to be the team with Darius Johnson-Odom.
  • West Virginia -- Kept Kentucky freshman guard Brandon Knight from scoring for the first 2:54, then decided, "hey, why bother stopping him now?" Perhaps West Virginia was also pre-occupied with dancing (via KSR):

  • UCLA -- Let Florida junior guard Erving Walker make his own John Wall impersonation.
  • Illinois -- Twins'd.
  • Gonzaga -- Jimmerette'd. John Stockton's kid should have played more like Dan Majerle.
  • Notre Dame -- Pressed themselves to death. Notre Dame senior guard Ben Hansbrough curses his rotten luck for having his "gritty shot-making white guy" mojo stolen by Jimmer.
  • Kansas State -- Kansas State senior guard Jacob Pullen > Wisconsin junior guard Jordan Taylor > Kansas State freshman guard Will Spradling. (Note to journalists: do not make Frank Martin's kids cry.)
  • Michigan -- Sophomore guard Darius Morris didn't pass the ball to let his team shoot for the win. [Generic overdone coach-speak-heavy statement about playing to win the game.] [Clever sentence that links to DJ Steve Porter Remix.]
  • George Mason -- Taunted Ohio State freshman center Jared Sullinger without the benefits of being French.
  • Pittsburgh -- Stupid foul after a stupid foul that gave Pitt the game. Referees blamed, but not actually at fault.
  • Washington -- A stupid ruling on elapsed time after a stupid slap of the ball. Referees blamed, partly at fault.
  • Texas -- Stupid ruling denying a Texas time-out and forcing a turnover. Referees blamed, definitely at fault for counting 5 seconds in a way that way that was different than all other 5 second counts.
  • Morehead State -- Arachnophobia. Could have used a spider rifle.
  • Temple -- Expected San Diego State Coach Steve Fisher to choke away the game but quit trying to help him after the 1st overtime.
  • Purdue -- "E'Twaun, and JaJuan... on the ocean." "E'Twaun and JaJuan... they left together." Shaka, when the Boilermakers fell!

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Posted by Fake Gimel


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