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Drafting a Fantasy Team

Posted on September 4, 2014

Earlier today, SBNation.com's Jon Bois challenged his Twitter followers to write 1000 words about their fantasy football team. He found a winner before I could finish my entry. Rather than let my horrendous prose go to waste, I'm going to dump it here on this derelict blog boat for the world to see.

Does this count as blogging again? Maaaaaaaybe.

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With my first pick, I wanted to get somebody who would provide a solid foundation of numbers. Of course you want to take the best available, but considering I was picking so late in the draft order, all of my Tier-1 guys would be taken before my pick. I felt very confident that I could nab two solid Tier-2 picks, so I opted the first Tier-2 pick to be the most possible consistent character I could get.

When my team was up to pick, I chose Aragorn, aka Strider as he's known in the north. He puts up damage per turn numbers that are less than a Legolas or Conan the Barbarian, he buffs his allies with his Leadership skills and has incredible Ranger skills for pathfinding and healing, which will come in handy for those non-combat encounters in the schedule. I was also afraid that I'd get stuck with a lesser member of the LOTR lore if I waited too long to draft. You don't want your required "Tolkien Back" position to be weak!

When the 2nd round snaked back to me, I had several more of my Tier-2 guys available. Even though King Arthur was available, I felt like I didn't need two leaders on my squad. I could have gotten a true front-line defender who could protect my wide-outs and pad my damage-taken stats. Instead, I opted to be risky and take the best available pure striker: Usagi Yojimbo. This prompted a run on samurai & ninjas through rounds 2 and 3, including a near fistfight over Snake Eyes.

When presented with my third pick, I had to get a tank. I opted for Frankenstein's Monster. He combines the best of all front-rank worlds: He does above-average damage, can handle swarms easily and can take an insane amount of HP damage. Sure, his Will stats are weak to fire, but that will be countered with Aragorn's leadership skill saving throws. I made sure to draft Edgar Figaro from Final Fantasy 6 at the end of the draft, who can use his Tool skills to help repair The Monster.

With my fourth pick, I felt like I couldn't wait any longer to reveal my sleeper pick: Wonder Woman. The draft table erupted, with most of my fellow competitors asserting that superheroes were not welcome in this high fantasy draft. I calmly explained that Princess Diana of Themyscira had her roots in the Greek Mythos -- and if Kratos from God of War can go in the 1st round and since Bobby has picked King Leonidas and every other named character from 300, then Wonder Woman was allowed. A spirited debate ensued. Charles threw his bag of Cheetos when we ruled out The Hulk and stomped out of the room. I was allowed to keep the Amazonian, but the only other superhero allowed after that point was Marvel's Captain Britain, since Merlin gave CB his powers and Merlin was drafted #3 overall.

The rest of the picks came naturally. Queen Elsa was available in the 5th because the guys at the table didn't want the stigma of drafting the first "princess". I used their misogyny against them and sang "Let It Go" when I chose her as my starting Wizard/Mage. That prompted a run on Disney properties that ended with Charles, Hunter and Ethan negotiating a three-team trade involving, Tinkerbell, Wizard Mickey, Maleficent and a minion to be named later.

I needed to fill my "Little Person (Heroic)" slot, so I picked Ayra Stark in the 6th. I was going to platoon her with Willow but he got snagged before my pick in the 7th. Then there was about a 30-minute argument on whether or not Ewoks are eligible to be drafted. Honestly, I zoned out for a while -- sure, Ewoks may have high Clever stats but really aren't formable unless you have a gaggle of them. Before I knew it, I got put on the clock for my 7th pick and I blurted out "The Hound". Everybody laughed at me because he had been taken in the 5th round. Duh! Total draft blunder.

They all stopped laughing when I countered with, "huh, okay, I call up Harry Dresden." At this point, I had gotten into their heads, or more like bopped them on the head with a huge library book. They all started Googling Dragonlance novels and the Wheel of Time series. Then there was a run on Stephen King characters; Samir panicked and picked Tom Cullen from The Stand. M-O-O-N! That spells "weak character", Samir!

The next couple of rounds went very smoothly for me since every other team owner was scrambling in my wake. By my pick in the 8th, they were so discombobulated that I was able to successfully argue that Princess Zelda/Sheik from Melee had much better stats, especially in Quickness, than Princess Zelda/Sheik from Brawl. That was like drafting Gandalf the Grey and then upgrading him immediately to Gandalf the White! After another round of debate over videogame characters from dystopian futures -- confirmed ineligible, sorry, Protagonist from Fall Out -- I picked up Edgar Figaro in the 9th as my Monster's Helper.

In the 10th I finally had to address my one glaring hole in the lineup: "Harry Potter Character." My draft strategy was built around that most of the Potter heavyweights would be gone by the 3rd round. I aspired to build my team around other incredible characters instead and try my best to fill the Potter Hole when I didn't have any better picks. While the gang argued about Pokemon for the umpteenth time, I did a quick cross-reference of wizard powers among the remaining members of the Order of the Phoenix. I was delighted to see Molly Weasley rated so highly on ButterbeerAnonymous' forums. So I went with Ron's Mom, and everybody laughed and called my team "Ron's Mom's Team". I acted offended but I secretly liked it.

"Your team just got SPANKED by Ron's Mom's Team." I'm gonna send that in a Howler every time I win this season.

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Posted by Fake Gimel

TANSTAAFL!

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