Halftime Adjustment Finding the Seams of Your Zone Since 2011

Wolken Over Everybody Watching the NCAAs

Posted on March 25, 2011

This post is not written by the insufferable Dan Wolken, former columnist at the Memphis Commercial-Appeal and currently at The Daily. But we're pretending that he wrote this post.

* It's true: Coach John Calipari's life has always involved class struggle. Cal didn't grow up in Village of Bayville or quaint little Orrville. Starting with nothing, Coach Cal had to work hard and fight for everything he had. And that is what makes him the dirtiest coach in America. NBA Commish David Stern knows where the bodies are buried because Cal dug a bunch of the holes in New Jersey. That's the real reason why I'm here in Newark, losers.

* Missouri basketball should not exist. They don't win anything of importance. They don't have any advantage over any other program. Well, they do have the most throughly-cleaning and twitchy arena crew I've ever seen; I wonder why?

* Oh man, I'm still laughing about Tennessee's men's basketball candidate list. Here, Vol Nation, let me fix it for you:

  1. Pat Summit
  2. Mark Turgeon
  3. Pat Summit -- Just to make sure she's not really interested.
  4. Gregg Marshall
  5. Pat Summit -- And offer her the AD job, since you know she's gonna get it if she wants it.

* To expand on this genius "Tubby is like the Sandra Bullock of coaches" statement: Tubby get a lot of sympathy from the media due to a relationship that went badly for him. Women love Tubby, even the women who you'd think should hate him love him. And Tubby has been screwed by Matthew McConaughey. Don't ask me how I found that last part out.

* Also screwed by Matthew McConaughey? Rick Barnes. But that's to Barnes' betterment.

Games are starting in about 4 hours and I'm waist-high in marsh. It smells like Derrick Rose's SAT score out here, boys. Keep digging!

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A Cornered Animal: A Play in One Act

Posted on February 9, 2011

Photo Credit: Mark Zerof-US PRESSWIRE. I'm pretty sure that using this photo to write a play is considered editorial use.

(H/T for the image: The fabulous Ms. Tyler Thompson.)

(The game is over. Tennessee Coach Bruce Pearl sees Kentucky Coach John Calipari finish his post-game on-court interview. Coach Pearl moves swiftly through the crowded court and grabs Coach Calipari by the arm. Both men keep a pleasant, jovial appearance despite their conversation.)

FAKE-SMILING PEARL: Good win, Coach. What do ya want me to tell the NCAA?


FAKE-SMILING PEARL: Them seersuckers up in Indy are gonna trot me up there and try to suspend me. They're already getting the word out.

FAKE-SMILING CALIPARI: Well, maybe you shouldn't have lied.

FAKE-SMILING PEARL: I shouldn't have gotten caught, John! But he that can't endure the bad, will not live to see the good. Besides, I've got a plan: when I finally go up there, I'm gonna offer them some insider information on dirty programs, coaches and kids.

FAKE-SMILING CALIPARI: What? You're joking.

FAKE-SMILING PEARL: Hell no I'm not! They've got a hard-on for busting coaches right now. I talked to Calhoun a few days ago and he's still cussin' up a storm about it. So I figure that if I throw the NCAA a few bones, they'll go easier on me.

FAKE-SMILING CALIPARI: Bruce, you're crazy. You're--

FAKE-SMILING PEARL: No no no! See, here's the thing: Everything I'm gonna tell them is not going to be true! Or just partly true. So I'll red herring those assholes and get them off our trail.

FAKE-SMILING CALIPARI: Our trail? Look, I don't want any part of this, Bruce.

FAKE-SMILING PEARL: It'll be easy! Just make something up that sounds right. Hell, I've already written a whole soliloquy that involves the Pump Brothers setting up off-shore bank accounts to recruit middle-schoolers into a summer training camp that's funded by New Balance shoes. I'm gonna tell those double-A's that the thinner Pump called me to see if I was interested in "coaching" in their "camp".

(Bruce makes quotation marks with his fingers when he says "coaching" and "camp".)

FAKE-SMILING CALIPARI: My God, Bruce, that's a horrible idea.

FAKE-SMILING PEARL: It'll work! Those -- what do you call dumbasses in your Italian-ese, yinzers? -- those Indy yinzers will buy it hook, like and sinker. It'll be great. Give me a few names: coaches that pissed you off or some of those greedy AAU shits-- oh! What about your 2012 class? I bet most of those kids are asking for some handouts.

FAKE-SMILING CALIPARI: Bruce, you're... wait, is that a microphone inside your blazer?!

FAKE-SMILING PEARL: No! Yes! Wait what did you ask me?

(Calipari pulls Bruce close for an seemingly friendly hug. Calipari wrestles his arm away from Bruce's forearm embrace and walks away. Bruce yells to Calipari as he walks away:)

FAKE-SMILING PEARL: Just give me a few names when you come to Knoxville, okay! (Bruce tilts his head down to his jacket lapel.) How was that?

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