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Why Your NCAA Team Lost: Round of 32

Posted on March 21, 2011

Sixteen games, sixteen losers. You could read detailed post-game reviews at other news sites, but they won't use Star Trek quotes and dumb videos. These quick, fake reasons are why each team lost their NCAA Tournament second Third Round game.

  • Cincinatti -- Of all the Big East teams it could have met in the third round, it had to be the team with Kemba Walker.
  • Syracuse -- Of all the Big East teams it could have met in the third round, it had to be the team with Darius Johnson-Odom.
  • West Virginia -- Kept Kentucky freshman guard Brandon Knight from scoring for the first 2:54, then decided, "hey, why bother stopping him now?" Perhaps West Virginia was also pre-occupied with dancing (via KSR):

  • UCLA -- Let Florida junior guard Erving Walker make his own John Wall impersonation.
  • Illinois -- Twins'd.
  • Gonzaga -- Jimmerette'd. John Stockton's kid should have played more like Dan Majerle.
  • Notre Dame -- Pressed themselves to death. Notre Dame senior guard Ben Hansbrough curses his rotten luck for having his "gritty shot-making white guy" mojo stolen by Jimmer.
  • Kansas State -- Kansas State senior guard Jacob Pullen > Wisconsin junior guard Jordan Taylor > Kansas State freshman guard Will Spradling. (Note to journalists: do not make Frank Martin's kids cry.)
  • Michigan -- Sophomore guard Darius Morris didn't pass the ball to let his team shoot for the win. [Generic overdone coach-speak-heavy statement about playing to win the game.] [Clever sentence that links to DJ Steve Porter Remix.]
  • George Mason -- Taunted Ohio State freshman center Jared Sullinger without the benefits of being French.
  • Pittsburgh -- Stupid foul after a stupid foul that gave Pitt the game. Referees blamed, but not actually at fault.
  • Washington -- A stupid ruling on elapsed time after a stupid slap of the ball. Referees blamed, partly at fault.
  • Texas -- Stupid ruling denying a Texas time-out and forcing a turnover. Referees blamed, definitely at fault for counting 5 seconds in a way that way that was different than all other 5 second counts.
  • Morehead State -- Arachnophobia. Could have used a spider rifle.
  • Temple -- Expected San Diego State Coach Steve Fisher to choke away the game but quit trying to help him after the 1st overtime.
  • Purdue -- "E'Twaun, and JaJuan... on the ocean." "E'Twaun and JaJuan... they left together." Shaka, when the Boilermakers fell!

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Other Ludicrous Locations for College Basketball Games

Posted on January 26, 2011

In a CARTOOOOOOOON!

Michigan State and UCLA on an aircraft carrier? Alright, but only if they play in the middle of an ocean. And at night.

Where else? Oh, I have some ideas:

* Sinan Erdem Sport Hall, Istanbul, Turkey - The University of Kentucky and the University of Washington will face off in an international exhibition while Enes Kanter watches suits up for an NBA game. The teams will play by Turkish Basketball League rules and court size; University of Washington players will consider the experience an internship. During each timeout, 3rd-party runners for every successful European professional team will offer the American players money to stay in Turkey while NCAA Director of Communications Chuck Wynn talks about NCAA ByLaws with KSR's Drew Franklin.

* Highland High School Gymnasium, the Fictional Cartoon World of Highland -- In a clash of mid-major division rivals, Morehead and Austin Peay battle away while commentary is provided by Beavis and Butt-Head. Daria sighs.

* Auburn Arena, Auburn, AL -- Auburn hosts DePaul and sets an all-time attendance record when DePaul assistant coach Billy Garrett heads to the team bus at halftime and doesn't return. Unofficial counts from YouTube rebroadcasts of the game estimate attendance to be around 75, including stadium support staff not told to go home and the basketball teams who were forced to play. Despite setting an arbitrary higher attendance in official records the next day, the NCAA and Auburn deny any wrongdoing.

* Lucasfilm Production Studios, San Fransico, CA -- The Univ. of Texas and the Univ. of Kansas State play in a production studio lined with greenscreens while LucasArts inserts computer-graphic special effects in real-time. To the audience, the game appears be happening within the Star Wars universe! Director George Lucas finds a kindred spirit in Texas Coach Rick Barnes' who's coaching method is to implore his players to be "faster, more intense" on every play. Disaster strikes late in the 2nd half when, without explanation, Kansas State Coach Frank Martin begins to Force Choke his players one-by-one while a man in a black hooded cloak laughs manically. Gus Johnson is given a purple lightsaber and is never properly used in the game.

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TANSTAAFL!