Thirty-two games, thirty-two losers. You could read detailed post-game reviews at other news sites, but you don't have time for that. Instead, check out these quick, fake reasons why each team lost their NCAA Tournament
first Second Round game.
- Louisville -- "Evacuate? In our moment of triumph? I think you overestimate their chances!" "Great shot kid, that was one-in-a-million!"
- Hampton, UT-San Antonio -- They were #16 seeds.
- Boston University, UNC-Asheville -- They were #16 seeds but it took their #1-seed opponents a half to remember they were #16 seeds.
- Vanderbilt -- Did not play game in Memorial Gymnasium. Also, Kevin Stallings.
- Clemson, Indiana State -- Zoned to death.
- Old Dominion -- Could not secure the final possesSSSSSHHHAAAWWWNN.
- Penn State -- Talor Battle made a deep 3 to tie, but there was still Juan shot left.
- Princeton -- Prevented Kentucky's Brandon Knight from scoring for only 39 minutes and 58 seconds.
- Northern Colorado -- Expected San Diego State Coach Steve Fisher to choke away the game but didn't do anything to help him.
- UC Santa Barbara -- Too much Tyler Summit.
- Wofford -- Didn't make awful rap music.
- Bucknell -- Thought UConn might be tired.
- Belmont -- Curse of the Expected High-Seed Upset.
- Michigan State -- Tom Izzo got confused, thought media thinking highly of him would add 20 points to the score at the end.
- St. John's -- If Izzo gets 20 points at the end of the game, Steve Lavin gets 15, right? Wrong.
- Missouri -- 11 minutes without a made FG only works when Cincinatti goes 15 minutes without a made FG.
- Memphis -- Referee Jim Burr hates Dan Wolkins and Memphis. (I didn't think Arizona forward Derrick Williams' block was the kind of foul a ref would call at the end of the game. But perhaps a foul should have been called when Arizona forward Jamelle Horne crashed into Memphis' Wesley Witherspoon on the rebound.)
- Utah State -- Wild Bill didn't wear a tutu.
- Oakland -- Not just like Compton.
- Tennessee -- Tennessee AD Mike Hamilton's big fat mouth.
- Akron -- Left Cleveland.
- Villanova -- Despite the lower seed, Villanova was subject to the #ruleofgus.
- Georgia -- Tried to invoke #ruleofgus without Gus present.
- UNLV -- Illinois decided that now was a good time to make-up for every missed jumper they've taken this year. Seriously: The Illini nearly shot 60% for the game!
- Texas A&M -- Scored just 14 points in the first nineteen minutes of the 2nd half. Could have used some of Illinois' scoring.
- Long Island -- Played better defense than UNLV, but not that much better.
- St. Peter's -- This is not 2007, so the Peacocks weren't propelled by gratuitous Family Guy references.
- Xavier -- Jordan's Better! *clap clap clap-clap-clap*
- Georgetown -- Rodriguez and Rozelle at Tanagra! Shaka! When the Hoyas Fell!
More losers soon will join these teams tomorrow and Sunday. They will be most likely the losers President Obama picked. On Monday, Glenn Beck will draw up a chalkboard conspiracy involving the President, Libyan rebels, the NCAA, Enes Kanter and Jay Bilas. In the meantime, enjoy the games everyone!
Where else? Oh, I have some ideas:
* Sinan Erdem Sport Hall, Istanbul, Turkey - The University of Kentucky and the University of Washington will face off in an international exhibition while Enes Kanter
watches suits up for an NBA game. The teams will play by Turkish Basketball League rules and court size; University of Washington players will consider the experience an internship. During each timeout, 3rd-party runners for every successful European professional team will offer the American players money to stay in Turkey while NCAA Director of Communications Chuck Wynn talks about NCAA ByLaws with KSR's Drew Franklin.
* Highland High School Gymnasium, the Fictional Cartoon World of Highland -- In a clash of mid-major division rivals, Morehead and Austin Peay battle away while commentary is provided by Beavis and Butt-Head. Daria sighs.
* Auburn Arena, Auburn, AL -- Auburn hosts DePaul and sets an all-time attendance record when DePaul assistant coach Billy Garrett heads to the team bus at halftime and doesn't return. Unofficial counts from YouTube rebroadcasts of the game estimate attendance to be around 75, including stadium support staff not told to go home and the basketball teams who were forced to play. Despite setting an arbitrary higher attendance in official records the next day, the NCAA and Auburn deny any wrongdoing.
* Lucasfilm Production Studios, San Fransico, CA -- The Univ. of Texas and the Univ. of Kansas State play in a production studio lined with greenscreens while LucasArts inserts computer-graphic special effects in real-time. To the audience, the game appears be happening within the Star Wars universe! Director George Lucas finds a kindred spirit in Texas Coach Rick Barnes' who's coaching method is to implore his players to be "faster, more intense" on every play. Disaster strikes late in the 2nd half when, without explanation, Kansas State Coach Frank Martin begins to Force Choke his players one-by-one while a man in a black hooded cloak laughs manically. Gus Johnson is given a purple lightsaber and is never properly used in the game.
Let's break these down a team-at-a-time:
- Arizona -- Most of these teams will suffer from "MSU losses are better than your losses" argument. (All of Michigan State's 7 losses come from teams in the RPI top-100.) But the only worse-than-MSU loss that Arizona possesses is a 1-point defeat at woeful Oregon State (Current StatSheet.com RPI: 230). Arizona's road victory at Washington State is overlooked since the Wildcats lost so badly at the University of Washington.
I think it's fair to say that 4 losses with the 47th-strongest schedule is better than 7 losses on the 3rd-strongest schedule (so far). KenPom has 'zona rated higher than MSU; Jeff Goodman put Arizona on his AP ballot at #25. Since the Wildcats are already on Jeff's ballot, they can't be used to knock off Sparty, though clearly they should be ranked higher.
- Boston College -- Worse of 6 losses is to Yale (Current StatSheet.com RPI: 136). Has more wins (6) over RPI top-100 teams than Sparty (5) but no wins against top-25 teams. Strength of Schedule is probably unfairly boosted by Duke; will probably lose badly to Duke; will probably get slaughtered by Duke. A Duke win would propel BC over Michigan State, but we all know that's not gonna happen.
- Butler -- No. That will be all, Alfred.
- George Mason -- Not better than the Spartans. A 4-loss Patriot team (by earning a win against Dayton or Hofstra) would be a better argument.
- Kansas State -- Like George Mason, K-State has one-too-many losses. PLEASE DON'T HIT ME COACH FRANK MARTIN!
- North Carolina -- The Tarheels are buoyed on the strength of the win in the Dean Dome vs. Kentucky. William & Mary and St. Francis are the kind of cupcakes that Rick Pitino covets. UNC's strength of schedule will go up once they lose to Duke twice. Ol' Roy's team is very susceptible to the "MSU losses are better than your losses" argument unfortunately.
- Old Dominon -- Slightly worse than George Mason means ODU is not right for COMPARISYAAAAWWNNN!
- St. John's -- The Michigan State of the Big East: A Coach that everybody loves playing against mighty competition. Sorry, Coach Steve Lavin, I'm not going to bat for you and your "St. John's being successful is good for the NCAA because St. John's will make New York City care about college basketball!" hoop dreams.
- Tennessee -- I could tell you that a 7-loss Tennessee team is better than Michigan State but that would be lying. Instead, I'm just not going to tell you anything about what I think about Tennessee. That's not against the rules, is it?
- UCLA -- A very favorable comparison to the Spartans. Gets a strength-of-schedule bump from Villanova and Kansas and is on a 4-game win streak. Sadly, those 4 games are all semi-shitty Pac-10 teams. Sigh.
- UNLV -- They have two less high-profile wins than Sparty, but also two less losses with a comparable strength-of-schedule (StatSheet.com SOS: 31). The Runnin' Rebs still have good wins over Wisconsin and Kansas State and one loss outside the RPI top-100 (USCB). UNLV is 3-3 in their last 6 games, just like MSU. UNLV is 3-3 in a very nationally-competitive Mountain West; Sparty is 4-3 in the 2nd best conference.
I don't think MSU's 7 losses are better than UNLV's 5 losses, but they sure are close to being equal. KenPom agrees, ranking UNLV #25 and MSU #26. UNLV is suffering from not being ranked high enough in the pre-season poll. (A pre-season poll which smushed San Diego St. and BYU in together at the end.)
But since the pollsters are not too high on UNLV -- only 4 votes in this week's poll -- I suppose UNLV's loss to Colorado State is just too much to warrant votes over MSU. But it's a tight call; a real towel-chewer.
- West Friggin' Virginia -- Only 1 bad loss to Marshall. Two wins over top-25 teams and 6-4 versus RPI top-100 teams. There is no way that Michigan State's 7 losses are superior to West Virginia's 5 losses. KenPom has the Mountaineers at #24, two spots above MSU.
So why did Jeff drop West Virginia out of his Top-25 ballot? Because he didn't have West Virginia in his ballot until the prior week. Apparently most of the AP voters rated the Mountaineers too low from the start of the season.
- Xavier -- The Musketeers are 8-4 versus RPI top-100 teams, but the best RPI win was against Temple. Yes, Temple, who shocked Georgetown, beat Georgia and really didn't do anything else. Getting stomped in the Crosstown Shootout did not help. MSU's 7 losses are definitely better than Xavier's five.
(Note: Cincinatti didn't make my list. Their non-conference schedule is so full of cupcakes, you could call them Andy Samburg.)
So, Jeff, even though you had them ranked below Michigan State in prior polls, West Friggin' Virginia has the resume to replace Michigan State.. That is, if Huggy Bear can keep his players from leaving or being suspended.
You're welcome, Jeff. Do I win a prize?