I really enjoyed Matt Norlander's re-seeding of the NCAA Tournament's Sweet 16 teams. What would happen if that actually happened? Let's jump on the trolley and head to the Neighborhood of Make Believe.
Sunday of Conference Championship Week: CBS broadcasts the Selection Show. Directional regionals (East, Southeast, South by SouthWest) are dropped for the city hosting the Regional Championship. Jokes about the Newark Regional causes Twitter to failwhale. The seeds are announced with great weeping and gnashing of the teeth. After the show is over, ESPN starts their selection analysis show with Jay Bilas flogging himself with a Cat O' Nine Tails.
Tuesday and Wednesday
Play-In 1st Round Games: Nobody cares except for the teams playing.
Thursday through Sunday 2nd & 3rd Round Games: Mostly Typical Madness. Second Round upsets won't be reseeded for their 3rd round matchups. Every high-seeded team that advances to the Sweet 16 ends up rooting for other higher-seeded teams to win. With more higher-seeded teams, the better chance one higher-seeded team will end up higher than 14th in the Sweet 16 Re-seeding. (Which means Florida State was really, really excited when VCU won.)
Monday at Noon: The NCAA Seeding Committee -- which consists of one or two additional analysis experts, preferably the sentient artificial intelligence Ken Pomeroy and Jeff Sagarin -- re-seeds the Sweet 16. Previous seeding are considered but not a lynchpin. Using Matt Norlander's overall re-seedings, the matchups would shake out as follows:
- Ohio State vs. VCU
- Florida vs. Wisconsin
- Kansas vs. Marquette
- Kentucky vs. Connecticut
- Duke vs. Richmond
- BYU vs. Florida State
- North Carolina vs. Arizona
- San Diego State vs. Butler
Weeping and gnashing of the teeth occurs. True mid-majors (like VCU) go from a winnable Sweet 16 game against Florida State to a death-sentence against Ohio State. High mid-majors (BYU, San Diego State) have a legitimate shot for a Final Four. Kansas loses their amazingly-weak Marquette/Florida State/VCU region. Bracket traditionalists declare jihad against the re-seeding.
Tuesday and Wednesday before Sweet 16 games: Americans enter in their Sweet 16/Elite 8 picks in their office pools and online bracket contests. The online game designers are immensely happy that millions of players are all logging in for a 2nd time to update their brackets and generate page views & clickthroughs. The secretary at the office who picked VCU because she saw a picture of Shaka Smart and thought he was cute is still ahead in the overall point standings but can really blow away her lead with bad picks in the regionals.
Thursday through Sunday of Regional Games: There will be one or two upsets just like a traditional bracket. Gus Johnson is given BYU's region and we are entertained. Every Elite 8 game is massively entertaining and competitive.
Monday at noon following Regional Finals games: NCAA Seeding Committee seeds the Final 4. Once again, the major underdog (probably San Diego State) is paired up with the best team (probably Ohio State). This time the weeping and gnashing of the teeth will be for the poor underdog who likely won't make it to the championship game. Everybody goes to update their brackets; fights break out over bracket scoring systems that make Fantasy Football scoring arguments look like mild disagreements.
Saturday and Monday of Final 4 Games: We all watch. When the National Champion is announced, columnists bend over backwards to declare the school won it's six games fair and square. Counter-arguments arise regarding how the overall #1 seed (supposedly the #1 team in the nation) is given every advantage in the tournament and criticism is leveled over the new importance on a team's overall schedule, RPI and Strength of Schedule.
The secretary in your office still wins the bracket. Most of America goes back to forgetting about college basketball until Feb 15th of 2012.
Sixteen games, sixteen losers. You could read detailed post-game reviews at other news sites, but they won't use Star Trek quotes and dumb videos. These quick, fake reasons are why each team lost their NCAA Tournament
second Third Round game.
- Cincinatti -- Of all the Big East teams it could have met in the third round, it had to be the team with Kemba Walker.
- Syracuse -- Of all the Big East teams it could have met in the third round, it had to be the team with Darius Johnson-Odom.
- West Virginia -- Kept Kentucky freshman guard Brandon Knight from scoring for the first 2:54, then decided, "hey, why bother stopping him now?" Perhaps West Virginia was also pre-occupied with dancing (via KSR):
- UCLA -- Let Florida junior guard Erving Walker make his own John Wall impersonation.
- Illinois -- Twins'd.
- Gonzaga -- Jimmerette'd. John Stockton's kid should have played more like Dan Majerle.
- Notre Dame -- Pressed themselves to death. Notre Dame senior guard Ben Hansbrough curses his rotten luck for having his "gritty shot-making white guy" mojo stolen by Jimmer.
- Kansas State -- Kansas State senior guard Jacob Pullen > Wisconsin junior guard Jordan Taylor > Kansas State freshman guard Will Spradling. (Note to journalists: do not make Frank Martin's kids cry.)
- Michigan -- Sophomore guard Darius Morris didn't pass the ball to let his team shoot for the win. [Generic overdone coach-speak-heavy statement about playing to win the game.] [Clever sentence that links to DJ Steve Porter Remix.]
- George Mason -- Taunted Ohio State freshman center Jared Sullinger without the benefits of being French.
- Pittsburgh -- Stupid foul after a stupid foul that gave Pitt the game. Referees blamed, but not actually at fault.
- Washington -- A stupid ruling on elapsed time after a stupid slap of the ball. Referees blamed, partly at fault.
- Texas -- Stupid ruling denying a Texas time-out and forcing a turnover. Referees blamed, definitely at fault for counting 5 seconds in a way that way that was different than all other 5 second counts.
- Morehead State -- Arachnophobia. Could have used a spider rifle.
- Temple -- Expected San Diego State Coach Steve Fisher to choke away the game but quit trying to help him after the 1st overtime.
- Purdue -- "E'Twaun, and JaJuan... on the ocean." "E'Twaun and JaJuan... they left together." Shaka, when the Boilermakers fell!
Thirty-two games, thirty-two losers. You could read detailed post-game reviews at other news sites, but you don't have time for that. Instead, check out these quick, fake reasons why each team lost their NCAA Tournament
first Second Round game.
- Louisville -- "Evacuate? In our moment of triumph? I think you overestimate their chances!" "Great shot kid, that was one-in-a-million!"
- Hampton, UT-San Antonio -- They were #16 seeds.
- Boston University, UNC-Asheville -- They were #16 seeds but it took their #1-seed opponents a half to remember they were #16 seeds.
- Vanderbilt -- Did not play game in Memorial Gymnasium. Also, Kevin Stallings.
- Clemson, Indiana State -- Zoned to death.
- Old Dominion -- Could not secure the final possesSSSSSHHHAAAWWWNN.
- Penn State -- Talor Battle made a deep 3 to tie, but there was still Juan shot left.
- Princeton -- Prevented Kentucky's Brandon Knight from scoring for only 39 minutes and 58 seconds.
- Northern Colorado -- Expected San Diego State Coach Steve Fisher to choke away the game but didn't do anything to help him.
- UC Santa Barbara -- Too much Tyler Summit.
- Wofford -- Didn't make awful rap music.
- Bucknell -- Thought UConn might be tired.
- Belmont -- Curse of the Expected High-Seed Upset.
- Michigan State -- Tom Izzo got confused, thought media thinking highly of him would add 20 points to the score at the end.
- St. John's -- If Izzo gets 20 points at the end of the game, Steve Lavin gets 15, right? Wrong.
- Missouri -- 11 minutes without a made FG only works when Cincinatti goes 15 minutes without a made FG.
- Memphis -- Referee Jim Burr hates Dan Wolkins and Memphis. (I didn't think Arizona forward Derrick Williams' block was the kind of foul a ref would call at the end of the game. But perhaps a foul should have been called when Arizona forward Jamelle Horne crashed into Memphis' Wesley Witherspoon on the rebound.)
- Utah State -- Wild Bill didn't wear a tutu.
- Oakland -- Not just like Compton.
- Tennessee -- Tennessee AD Mike Hamilton's big fat mouth.
- Akron -- Left Cleveland.
- Villanova -- Despite the lower seed, Villanova was subject to the #ruleofgus.
- Georgia -- Tried to invoke #ruleofgus without Gus present.
- UNLV -- Illinois decided that now was a good time to make-up for every missed jumper they've taken this year. Seriously: The Illini nearly shot 60% for the game!
- Texas A&M -- Scored just 14 points in the first nineteen minutes of the 2nd half. Could have used some of Illinois' scoring.
- Long Island -- Played better defense than UNLV, but not that much better.
- St. Peter's -- This is not 2007, so the Peacocks weren't propelled by gratuitous Family Guy references.
- Xavier -- Jordan's Better! *clap clap clap-clap-clap*
- Georgetown -- Rodriguez and Rozelle at Tanagra! Shaka! When the Hoyas Fell!
More losers soon will join these teams tomorrow and Sunday. They will be most likely the losers President Obama picked. On Monday, Glenn Beck will draw up a chalkboard conspiracy involving the President, Libyan rebels, the NCAA, Enes Kanter and Jay Bilas. In the meantime, enjoy the games everyone!