Four games, four losers. You could read detailed post-game reviews at other news sites, but they won't embed videos with foul-mouthed clown-faced rappers. These quick, fake reasons are why each team lost their NCAA Tournament Elite 8 game.
- Florida -- Florida's team went 3-17 in three-point attempts; guard Erving Walker was 1-7 3FG by himself. Butler's Shelden Mack made 4 three-pointers.
- Arizona -- Thought Derrick Williams could make miracles happen outside the paint. Desperation threes; how does that work? (Video below is NSFW for Insane Clown Posse reasons.)
- North Carolina -- North Carolina held Kentucky freshman guard Brandon Knight scoreless for the first 3:26, then decided "eh, let's just watch him drain 3-pointers the rest of the game." Black Falcon was denied his chance for a FALCON PUNCH by Kendall Marshall.
- Kansas -- Skeen, alone in the distance. Self, his hands around his throat. SHAKA, WHEN THE JAYHAWKS FELL!
No, it wasn't that Nolan Smith and Seth Curry outplayed the UNC guards. It wasn't Kyle Singler holding Harrison Barnes in check. It definitely wasn't the Duke forwards scrapping for rebounds and getting a ton of offensive rebounds in the second half. No, no no. This scrappy widdle nationally-ranked Duke team had to out-HEART the Tar Heels!
Below is a quick, fake video summary of Duke's victory tonight.
Where else? Oh, I have some ideas:
* Sinan Erdem Sport Hall, Istanbul, Turkey - The University of Kentucky and the University of Washington will face off in an international exhibition while Enes Kanter
watches suits up for an NBA game. The teams will play by Turkish Basketball League rules and court size; University of Washington players will consider the experience an internship. During each timeout, 3rd-party runners for every successful European professional team will offer the American players money to stay in Turkey while NCAA Director of Communications Chuck Wynn talks about NCAA ByLaws with KSR's Drew Franklin.
* Highland High School Gymnasium, the Fictional Cartoon World of Highland -- In a clash of mid-major division rivals, Morehead and Austin Peay battle away while commentary is provided by Beavis and Butt-Head. Daria sighs.
* Auburn Arena, Auburn, AL -- Auburn hosts DePaul and sets an all-time attendance record when DePaul assistant coach Billy Garrett heads to the team bus at halftime and doesn't return. Unofficial counts from YouTube rebroadcasts of the game estimate attendance to be around 75, including stadium support staff not told to go home and the basketball teams who were forced to play. Despite setting an arbitrary higher attendance in official records the next day, the NCAA and Auburn deny any wrongdoing.
* Lucasfilm Production Studios, San Fransico, CA -- The Univ. of Texas and the Univ. of Kansas State play in a production studio lined with greenscreens while LucasArts inserts computer-graphic special effects in real-time. To the audience, the game appears be happening within the Star Wars universe! Director George Lucas finds a kindred spirit in Texas Coach Rick Barnes' who's coaching method is to implore his players to be "faster, more intense" on every play. Disaster strikes late in the 2nd half when, without explanation, Kansas State Coach Frank Martin begins to Force Choke his players one-by-one while a man in a black hooded cloak laughs manically. Gus Johnson is given a purple lightsaber and is never properly used in the game.