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Wolken Over Everybody Watching the NCAAs

Posted on March 25, 2011

This post is not written by the insufferable Dan Wolken, former columnist at the Memphis Commercial-Appeal and currently at The Daily. But we're pretending that he wrote this post.

* It's true: Coach John Calipari's life has always involved class struggle. Cal didn't grow up in Village of Bayville or quaint little Orrville. Starting with nothing, Coach Cal had to work hard and fight for everything he had. And that is what makes him the dirtiest coach in America. NBA Commish David Stern knows where the bodies are buried because Cal dug a bunch of the holes in New Jersey. That's the real reason why I'm here in Newark, losers.

* Missouri basketball should not exist. They don't win anything of importance. They don't have any advantage over any other program. Well, they do have the most throughly-cleaning and twitchy arena crew I've ever seen; I wonder why?

* Oh man, I'm still laughing about Tennessee's men's basketball candidate list. Here, Vol Nation, let me fix it for you:

  1. Pat Summit
  2. Mark Turgeon
  3. Pat Summit -- Just to make sure she's not really interested.
  4. Gregg Marshall
  5. Pat Summit -- And offer her the AD job, since you know she's gonna get it if she wants it.

* To expand on this genius "Tubby is like the Sandra Bullock of coaches" statement: Tubby get a lot of sympathy from the media due to a relationship that went badly for him. Women love Tubby, even the women who you'd think should hate him love him. And Tubby has been screwed by Matthew McConaughey. Don't ask me how I found that last part out.

* Also screwed by Matthew McConaughey? Rick Barnes. But that's to Barnes' betterment.

Games are starting in about 4 hours and I'm waist-high in marsh. It smells like Derrick Rose's SAT score out here, boys. Keep digging!

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Wolken Over Everybody

Posted on February 8, 2011

This post is not written by the insufferable Dan Wolken, former columnist at the Memphis Commercial-Appeal and currently at The Daily. But we're pretending that he wrote this post.

* I guess Pitino is doing a good job this year. If you call not suffering through his typical underachiving slump in December with worse talent an improvement on his coaching, then you should start stumping for his Coach of the Year nomination. The only other thing that's changed at Louisville (besides the crappy hodge-podge of mid-major stars Pitino has assembled this year) are all the injuries. Next year, when Pitino gets in his big recruting class, he should take concussions more seriously and start dishing out a few; the Emergency Room Cardinals will make him look like a coaching genius yet again!

* Utah State is over-hyped every year because of that fat guy. Wild Bill has got just about every sports columnist and broadcast producer blinded by his pale poundage. You can put a college basketball team in a tiara and give them lessons, but that doesn't make them the Princess of the Sweet 16. Maybe if Utah State would lose the fat and start working out -- and, ya know, win a few games that matter -- people other than chubby chasers would take them seriously.

* Speaking of masquerading: When you're more excited about promoting Gus Johnson than you are your actual basketball games, Big Tenleventy, maybe you shouldn't let your refs worship Bo Ryan.

* And just so we're clear: College basketball sucks. The fans all suck because they don't really like basketball, they just like the laundry. The talented athletes all suck because they are over-handled and under-disciplined and by family and coaches. The not-talented athletes suck because they're not talented. The coaches suck because the coaches just want their star to shine the brightest. The NCAA is just one whirling vortex of suck that hopes a team like Butler gets to the Final Four every year; rooting for sucky underdogs is a much-better neutral audience attraction than listening to Jim Nantz and Clark Kellogg sucking off the latest big-name school who bought the best talent that year.

Shit. I gotta go workout. Catch you losers later.

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