Halftime Adjustment Finding the Seams of Your Zone Since 2011

Wolken Over Everybody Watching the NCAAs

Posted on March 25, 2011

This post is not written by the insufferable Dan Wolken, former columnist at the Memphis Commercial-Appeal and currently at The Daily. But we're pretending that he wrote this post.

* It's true: Coach John Calipari's life has always involved class struggle. Cal didn't grow up in Village of Bayville or quaint little Orrville. Starting with nothing, Coach Cal had to work hard and fight for everything he had. And that is what makes him the dirtiest coach in America. NBA Commish David Stern knows where the bodies are buried because Cal dug a bunch of the holes in New Jersey. That's the real reason why I'm here in Newark, losers.

* Missouri basketball should not exist. They don't win anything of importance. They don't have any advantage over any other program. Well, they do have the most throughly-cleaning and twitchy arena crew I've ever seen; I wonder why?

* Oh man, I'm still laughing about Tennessee's men's basketball candidate list. Here, Vol Nation, let me fix it for you:

  1. Pat Summit
  2. Mark Turgeon
  3. Pat Summit -- Just to make sure she's not really interested.
  4. Gregg Marshall
  5. Pat Summit -- And offer her the AD job, since you know she's gonna get it if she wants it.

* To expand on this genius "Tubby is like the Sandra Bullock of coaches" statement: Tubby get a lot of sympathy from the media due to a relationship that went badly for him. Women love Tubby, even the women who you'd think should hate him love him. And Tubby has been screwed by Matthew McConaughey. Don't ask me how I found that last part out.

* Also screwed by Matthew McConaughey? Rick Barnes. But that's to Barnes' betterment.

Games are starting in about 4 hours and I'm waist-high in marsh. It smells like Derrick Rose's SAT score out here, boys. Keep digging!

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Other Ludicrous Locations for College Basketball Games

Posted on January 26, 2011

In a CARTOOOOOOOON!

Michigan State and UCLA on an aircraft carrier? Alright, but only if they play in the middle of an ocean. And at night.

Where else? Oh, I have some ideas:

* Sinan Erdem Sport Hall, Istanbul, Turkey - The University of Kentucky and the University of Washington will face off in an international exhibition while Enes Kanter watches suits up for an NBA game. The teams will play by Turkish Basketball League rules and court size; University of Washington players will consider the experience an internship. During each timeout, 3rd-party runners for every successful European professional team will offer the American players money to stay in Turkey while NCAA Director of Communications Chuck Wynn talks about NCAA ByLaws with KSR's Drew Franklin.

* Highland High School Gymnasium, the Fictional Cartoon World of Highland -- In a clash of mid-major division rivals, Morehead and Austin Peay battle away while commentary is provided by Beavis and Butt-Head. Daria sighs.

* Auburn Arena, Auburn, AL -- Auburn hosts DePaul and sets an all-time attendance record when DePaul assistant coach Billy Garrett heads to the team bus at halftime and doesn't return. Unofficial counts from YouTube rebroadcasts of the game estimate attendance to be around 75, including stadium support staff not told to go home and the basketball teams who were forced to play. Despite setting an arbitrary higher attendance in official records the next day, the NCAA and Auburn deny any wrongdoing.

* Lucasfilm Production Studios, San Fransico, CA -- The Univ. of Texas and the Univ. of Kansas State play in a production studio lined with greenscreens while LucasArts inserts computer-graphic special effects in real-time. To the audience, the game appears be happening within the Star Wars universe! Director George Lucas finds a kindred spirit in Texas Coach Rick Barnes' who's coaching method is to implore his players to be "faster, more intense" on every play. Disaster strikes late in the 2nd half when, without explanation, Kansas State Coach Frank Martin begins to Force Choke his players one-by-one while a man in a black hooded cloak laughs manically. Gus Johnson is given a purple lightsaber and is never properly used in the game.

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TANSTAAFL!