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Why Your NCAA Team Lost: Round of 64

Posted on March 19, 2011

Thirty-two games, thirty-two losers. You could read detailed post-game reviews at other news sites, but you don't have time for that. Instead, check out these quick, fake reasons why each team lost their NCAA Tournament first Second Round game.

  • Louisville -- "Evacuate? In our moment of triumph? I think you overestimate their chances!" "Great shot kid, that was one-in-a-million!"
  • Hampton, UT-San Antonio -- They were #16 seeds.
  • Boston University, UNC-Asheville -- They were #16 seeds but it took their #1-seed opponents a half to remember they were #16 seeds.
  • Vanderbilt -- Did not play game in Memorial Gymnasium. Also, Kevin Stallings.
  • Clemson, Indiana State -- Zoned to death.
  • Old Dominion -- Could not secure the final possesSSSSSHHHAAAWWWNN.
  • Penn State -- Talor Battle made a deep 3 to tie, but there was still Juan shot left.
  • Princeton -- Prevented Kentucky's Brandon Knight from scoring for only 39 minutes and 58 seconds.
  • Northern Colorado -- Expected San Diego State Coach Steve Fisher to choke away the game but didn't do anything to help him.
  • UC Santa Barbara -- Too much Tyler Summit.
  • Wofford -- Didn't make awful rap music.
  • Bucknell -- Thought UConn might be tired.
  • Belmont -- Curse of the Expected High-Seed Upset.
  • Michigan State -- Tom Izzo got confused, thought media thinking highly of him would add 20 points to the score at the end.
  • St. John's -- If Izzo gets 20 points at the end of the game, Steve Lavin gets 15, right? Wrong.
  • Missouri -- 11 minutes without a made FG only works when Cincinatti goes 15 minutes without a made FG.
  • Memphis -- Referee Jim Burr hates Dan Wolkins and Memphis. (I didn't think Arizona forward Derrick Williams' block was the kind of foul a ref would call at the end of the game. But perhaps a foul should have been called when Arizona forward Jamelle Horne crashed into Memphis' Wesley Witherspoon on the rebound.)
  • Utah State -- Wild Bill didn't wear a tutu.
  • Oakland -- Not just like Compton.
  • Tennessee -- Tennessee AD Mike Hamilton's big fat mouth.
  • Akron -- Left Cleveland.
  • Villanova -- Despite the lower seed, Villanova was subject to the #ruleofgus.
  • Georgia -- Tried to invoke #ruleofgus without Gus present.
  • UNLV -- Illinois decided that now was a good time to make-up for every missed jumper they've taken this year. Seriously: The Illini nearly shot 60% for the game!
  • Texas A&M -- Scored just 14 points in the first nineteen minutes of the 2nd half. Could have used some of Illinois' scoring.
  • Long Island -- Played better defense than UNLV, but not that much better.
  • St. Peter's -- This is not 2007, so the Peacocks weren't propelled by gratuitous Family Guy references.
  • Xavier -- Jordan's Better! *clap clap clap-clap-clap*
  • Georgetown -- Rodriguez and Rozelle at Tanagra! Shaka! When the Hoyas Fell!

More losers soon will join these teams tomorrow and Sunday. They will be most likely the losers President Obama picked. On Monday, Glenn Beck will draw up a chalkboard conspiracy involving the President, Libyan rebels, the NCAA, Enes Kanter and Jay Bilas. In the meantime, enjoy the games everyone!

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